idiocy
Thursday, November 06, 2003
the good news.i finally got the furnace to work. apparently, you just have to turn it on. and, i may get to adopt a dog. saturday! we shall see. and i have good friends and a good sense of humor, etc etc. but the heat's a big one. oh, that, and i can get out of bed now! yeah, sorry about the not posting forever, but was pretty much flat on my back in bed staring at the celing for none of the good reasons, that kind of feverish sick where you can't even watch movies cause there's too much going on, you just stare at the ceiling til you pass out again and hope that death will be merciful ... or murmur to the three a.m. darkness, when it's just you and the near-full moon shining you full in the face in the cold of your dark room..."i just want to be well and strong again, to hell with the money..." but then you come 'round and realize that money is quite useful, thank you, but for right now i'm so grateful just to have the energy to shower and go to work with out falling down...tried to go in to work on, i think it was tuesday and fell over on the bus, only lasted two hours at work, not the best day. but today i am much improved. and then saw "spellbound" which i knew would be painful, cause i'm a geeky awkward little kid myself, but then the bastards thru in a couple cute old men as well!!! fuckers!!! so i was crying in the first like two seconds. bastards. and then i cried the whole way home because life is beaufitul and fleeting. it's the knowing that it all ends in despair and heartbreak and the fluroescent lit reality of nursing homes and empty walmarts in wretched suburbs at 11 p.m. and yet right now everyone is still nice to you and young and unfettered and vaguely free. and it was in this wave of appreciation for this most recent round of nice that i burst into tears and cried the last ten blocks home or something equally girlish and stupid. the humanity, the frailty, the dumb stupid kindness from each lovely thing that has the same doom, and are good anyways. these among the reasons that i am a dog person. oh, i have sucha weakness for the heartbreak of the caring in the face of damnation. i am a sucker for a nice old man. and now it's like nine o'clock and i get to go to sleep again for another 12 hours yay! the quote of the evening, which i already mangle and forget
"thank you for letting me have my ten minutes of delirium."
"thank you for having it near me."
but it's true. so i'm enjoying the delirium, tho it's not all happy dancing smurfs or nothin, it's still great compared to the abandoned future. and thank you for letting me have it near you, and having it with me. it's kind of like having company to drink with. to dancing in the face of all this frail human despair, cause soon my knees won't work so good, well, even less than they already do. and i don't care if i do fall down. cause right now is good cause right now is now. 'cause see, these ones go to eleven.